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Spanking Round Table: Aftercare…or (as I like to call it) Who the Hell Needs Aftercare, Just Give Me the Damn Spanking

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I’ve been in the scene for approximately twenty years. At nineteen, I was so determined to make my spanking fantasies come true that I advertised in a spanking magazine and promptly got myself half a dozen good dominants. I never went more than a day without getting what I needed—sassy fun and spanking games. It was always light. It was never serious, and although more than once I was positively blistered, I was never spanked to tears because no serious emotion was ever involved and I wasn’t sexually involved with any of them. I was young. I was new to all this and still very much learning what I wanted and what I liked. Aftercare was never, ever mentioned to me. I never read about it. I’d never heard of it. But looking back, I can see I always got it in the form of a hug after the spanking was done. We’d hug, we’d talk, we’d cuddle, and I was always fine afterward.

Then I got married. I am submissive, but I am not slave submissive. While spanking was still fun and games, for me the dynamic shifted, becoming domestic discipline with some kinky games thrown in. The hubby likes bondage. We both like anal. Clips, clamps, spreaders, he likes to devise bondage furniture (ask me about the time my in-laws saw the padded horse and thought it was a very odd ironing board).

Still, aftercare was never mentioned. Looking back, I can clearly see where aftercare was employed, but it wasn’t until about two years ago when I became involved in my current BDSM group that I became aware of the word. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I became aware that I needed it.

What is aftercare? In my opinion, aftercare is as personal to each individual as their kinky sexual preferences. For me, it’s what balances out what must be physically endured in my quest to get the mental high and the tender aftereffects I love. With my husband, this happens in the quiet moments after real discipline is done. It’s what helps us reconnect as lovers and friends. But it wasn’t something I thought I’d ever need with the casual play partner, because casual is just that. There is no real emotion involved. It’s all fun and games, never serious, and I never go into that funny headspace where my body convinces my brain that I must really have screwed up because this SHIT is REAL.

And then, for some reason, everything changed.

I was flogged for the first time a few months ago. Now, flogging is one of those things that I NEVER would have thought was a.) erotic or b.) something I’d ever do. My husband has no interest in doing it, and it’s not spanking, so I wasn’t interested either. Then I started my Masters of the Castle series and in one of the books, I decided there should be a flogging scene. Something you should know about me is that I’m a big believer in knowing what my characters are going through. I’ve participated in cutting, cell popping, rope and bondage play, and fire play and cupping. I’m scared as hell of electricity, but when it came to that scene in Kaylee’s Keeper, I bought a violet wand and I had one used on me so I could write about it. In my opinion, you can’t write about what your character is feeling during a flogging if you’ve never experienced it.

Well, okay…maybe you can, but I can’t. So, I decided to bite the bullet and just do it.

Doing what authors do best, I researched who in my BDSM group were considered the best floggers. Given three names, I approached all three men and was flogged by each over a period of several months. One was playful, one was sensual and one was over the top serious. Perhaps even…no, on second thought there was no perhaps about it. My shoulders were bruised for days. It was severe.

Maren, stop blithering on. What does any of this have to do with aftercare?

Everything as it turns out. I completely fell apart two of the three times. I had no idea that was going to happen; certainly, it had never happened before because I don’t cry. Rarely at home, never cry in public—I don’t cry. Up until I was flogged. I bawled all over two of the three men who, although I’ve talked with them both for over a year and consider them friends, are practically strangers to me. My aftercare from each? A simple hug.

Taken from where I began twenty years ago, I’ve always negotiated to end with a hug before each and every scene I start, but I’d never needed it before. When it came to being flogged, these experienced Doms took me mentally, emotionally and physical to a place I was not ready or comfortable going. The first time, I was a sobbing wreck before I even got off the equipment. The second time, I didn’t cry, but I suffered three good days of subdrop—another first for me. I was a mess in a whole different way. The third, I got off the equipment just fine. Then he put his arms around me for our negotiated hug, and—BAM—the release hit me like a bullet between the eyes and when it did, my need to be okay was earth-shatteringly overwhelming.

He hugged me for a long time. He took me into the aftercare room, lay down with me and just held me and talked to me until I was fine again. I can’t imagine what I would have gone through if I hadn’t had that hug—that simply little reassurance which told me that I was still okay, I wasn’t in any real trouble and that we were still friends, before I could reconcile myself to the closure of the scene.

I know some people are going to look at this and say, “Yeah, but that’s not real aftercare. I do this…yada yada yada….”

That’s fine. Like I said, every person is different. But, if you take all the different variants of aftercare and you break them down into their most basic, basic parts, it’s all the same thing: Aftercare is reconnection between the Dom and sub. What form that reconnection takes is irrelevant. It’s whatever the sub (and Dom, for that matter) needs. When you read about it in a book, it’s more fun when it’s sexual, but in reality it can be anything—sharing a cigarette, cuddling, a nap, having your hair brushed. The importance of what form it takes is not something I’d fully understood or appreciated until I suddenly found myself truly needing it. Those hugs, those really rather insignificant seeming physical exchanges, was what I needed to bring myself back to normalcy after subspace ripped me apart. Aftercare for me is a return in balance and there is nothing more important than that.

 

There are a lot of good bloggers participating in the Round Table today, so click here to go back to the list and share their thoughts on the subject of Aftercare. :)

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

RTK Dungeon Crawl ~ BDSM Toys and Uses

Maren Smith:

This is my kind of kinky! lol I love toys. Let me say that again. I LOVE toys. I have tons of them. All kinds. From insertables to bondage to implements…oh the implements. I collect spanking things that are fun, useful, completely impractical because a.) they look lethal, b.) they fulfill a fantasy or c.) they’re pretty. I started my collection back when I was 17, years before I ever approached anyone about using them on me. I have so many now I can’t pack them all into two or even three play packs.

She who dies with the most toys….er, well, maybe doesn’t win, but you can bet she sure had fun!

Originally posted on Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions:

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Today’s Dungeon Crawl is brought to you by Romancing The Kink’sTrent Evan’s and Sheri Savill.

Okay everyone, gather round. It’s time for show and tell. I don’t know a dominant who doesn’t love to show off their toys. When we went to an event across the country, I couldn’t wait to show off the unique stuff I’d found there. Vending is a big part of most big kink events, and I find way too many things I want and usually give in to the urge to buy them. Some people spend money on skis, hunting stuff, sports equipment, or other hobbies, I love to collect and use BDSM toys.

I am a sadist. That means I get a rush or thrill from giving pain. That actually doesn’t make me a bad person because I only give pain to people wh0 like it. I am quite willing to temper my hand…

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Posted by on March 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

2/21 Spanking Roundtable: Being of an Age and Spanking

spanking round table

I knew from a very young age that spanking was for me. That domestic discipline might also be for me snuck up on me and took me completely by surprise.

I married a spanker. In fact, that’s why I married him. And he began talking to me specifically because I was a “submissive.” That we both knew we wanted that straight off the bat pretty much defined our marriage right from the very beginning. That he is also eleven years my elder pretty much guaranteed that our marriage became a DD one right from the start too. How has DD changed me over the years?

When I was twenty, I had a playful mouth on me like you wouldn’t believe….well, okay. You might. I loved to sass. It was my favorite form of recreation and communication, and my poor husband who had lived alone pretty much since he left home at 17 got a crash course in how to deal with my mouth over our honeymoon–four days of driving from my state to his (I was a mail-order bride) with all my things packed in the back of my little hatchback. He was driving. I was reading the map. Let the good times roll. Let’s just say, I got spanked a LOT during my wild and wooly twenties, but back then we approached DD like it was a code we had to live by or die trying. It was very rigid. It broke down a lot and took a LOT of talking to get back up and running again. We weren’t perfect–either one of us–but we kept it going.

The thirties kinda mellowed us both. I grew up, my common sense blossomed and my sense of responsibility kicked in. Did DD have something to do with it? Probably. That I stopped smoking was a direct result of a hot cherry burning a hole in the flooring of our brand new car–you know, the one he told me not to smoke in–and the punishment paddling I received for trying to conceal my crime by snipping off fibers from under the seats and gluing them into the burned spot. We had our ups, our downs, our crazy arguments that were never about anything that normal couples ought to fight over, and I was spanked less and less often for punishment and more often just because and for the sheer fun of it.

Now, I’m in my forties and the punishment spankings are practically non-existent. For fun and sex has become our new normal. I really like the new normal, although my twenty-year-old self never would have thought so. She was too in love with the idea of misbehaving, getting caught, and getting her seat dusted because of it. My forty-year-old self is, frankly, exhausted by her. I still sass, but only when I know it’ll make him smile, and my heart still flutters when he gives me that look. You know, the one that says if my sister weren’t living with us, he’d be cooking dinner tonight and we’d soooo be having rump roast. <3 I love that look.

DD is still very much a part of our lives, but we’ve relaxed with it, grown comfortable in our roles. He’s the boss, because I’m at my happiest when he’s in that role; I’m still “submissive”…but usually only because I can’t find anything better to do. TTWD has become such a deep part of who we are, not just as individuals but as a couple, I don’t think we could coexist without it. And by that I mean I don’t think we could coexist without its surfacing in some form between us. Whether it’s a Look, a slap on the ass as we’re passing one another in the hall, or a half-serious threat uttered with a laugh because I’m forty years old and I still haven’t learned to shut up when the situation warrants it.

I love this life we live. I love TTWD. We’re still not perfect. It still takes a lot of communication, but I can’t imagine trying to live any other way. Where am I going to be 10, 20, even 30 years from now? I just asked my husband and he said, “Buried under an electric pole if you don’t get the dishes done.” Which is Grumpy Butt for, “I don’t know, honey. Where do you want to be?”

I want to be more relaxed, more open, more sassy. I want punishment spankings to be a thing of the past. Except…wait. There is still that part of me that loses all grip with reality and actually longs for the security of knowing the Punishment Paddle will come out if I push the envelope in certain directions.So maybe it’s a good thing that those remain a part of our marriage. All right, I’ll try again. I don’t ever want to reach a point in our marriage where he is not in charge and spankings are not a part of our relationship. It’s how we first connected and how we connect to one another still. This is my security blanket. It’s how I know he still cares about who I am at my very core.

I hope that never changes.

Now, excuse me while I go draw the hubby a map to the dishwasher.

List of Participating Authors

Click here to check out the other authors contributing to this week’s discussion on what DD means to the course of their lives.

 

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Why You Should Accept “Those” Kinks

Why You Should Accept “Those” Kinks

Maren Smith:

Very well-stated. This is a wonderful message that just doesn’t get said often enough in my opinion. It’s perfectly okay to know what you want in regards to your own kink. It’s just as perfectly fine to know what you don’t want, and yet, too many people seem to think that everything they know and want is the ‘right’ way to do BDSM and if you don’t fall within their normal, then you’re doing it ‘wrong’. I said it in one of my books and I’ll say it again, because it’s another one of those too-little said truths: The big wide world of BDSM has many nuances and flavors and passions. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual for all parties involved, there is no wrong way to do it.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Jolynn.

Originally posted on Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions:

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First I want to thank everyone who liked the BDSM and Aftercare post. It really took a great tour around the blogging world. It showed me that yes, Google’s new approach is working to get things out there, but those interested in kink and the importance of safety and knowledge do the job best. So again, thank you all for sending the Aftercare post hopping about.

I have contacted several friends and invited them to write guest posts for this blog on subjects that I either have no experience with, or don’t feel I can speak in a voice that rings true. For those of us who live a kinky lifestyle, what we do, and who we are is part of the fabric woven into our lives. It doesn’t represent us, and it isn’t all there is to us, but it certainly is part of who we are. Along with…

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Posted by on February 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

WELCOME MAREN SMITH

WELCOME MAREN SMITH

Maren Smith:

Woo hoo! I’m wandering the internet today and guess where I landed! It’s Mary Wehr’s blog! Come and check me out!

Originally posted on Mary Wehr:

With Hearts Aflame Banner 3

What’s your fantasy Valentine’s Day?

 To be honest, my fantasy Valentine’s Day would involve coming home to a dinner I didn’t have to cook—or better yet, going out to dinner so I don’t have to clean up either—snuggling on the couch under a blanket, with a warming fire and a good movie, like Rambo or District 9, on the TV.  Sex would not be too far out of line, either, but I don’t normally need a special day to get that. ;)

 

1600294_587684027968463_1129446104_nBlurb:

Since a competing sweet shop opened its doors, things have not gone well for Sinclair’s candy shop, Maybe’s Candy. Business was slowing, her finances were dropping, and no matter what she does she just can’t think of any way to get her business back on top. Even the one highlight of her week—that moment when handsome Parker Johnson, a man she’d been flirting with for over a year, came…

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Posted by on February 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Woo hoo!!!

Sweet Sinclair has made Amazon’s top 100! Someone mentioned it’s been there a while but, like the goof I am, I just didn’t notice. It’s never too late to celebrate! Cupcakes for all! Or at least, for everyone at my house! :D

Woo hoo!!!

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

And the Love Spanks prize winner is….*drum roll*

Shadowluvs2read!!!

Yay! You’ll be receiving your prize ($25 Amazon gift certificate) here any second! :) Thanks to everyone who played, and don’t forget to check Anastasia’s blog to see if you’ve won one of the main “official” prizes and the other author’s blogs to see what you’ve won there as well! You can find links to the other author’s blogs at the bottom of Ana’s post.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 
 
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